A long story of ups and downs

I am happy today!

It seems like all my efforts are starting to pay off in the weight-loss department.

A while ago, I had really given up.

I am a real foodie, I love cooking, and I like even more EATING. I am not one to eat bags of crisps, sweets, biscuits or drink 20 cups of tea with sugar.

I like proper food. Plate fulls of it!

Creamy sauces, juicy steaks, vegetables sauteed in herb and garlic butter, and lots, lots of carb packed pasta! And I also looove my pudding. Chocolate laden preferably!

I started dieting at the age of 14. I was 2 lbs over the weight I thought I should be. My weight at the time, 8.5 stones to a 1,64 meter was healthy, but in my mind, and because of peer pressure I started dieting.

At the age of 20 my weight was 9st4 lbs and I was still always yo-yo dieting.

I was then diagnosed with Policystic Ovarian Syndrome and started putting on a lot of weight, when I married at the age 27 I had reached 13st!

Then comes baby (after a long time trying everything) and weight reached 15st!

From that moment on, I gave up, I thought I might as well enjoy myself and be happy and not worry about food as 15 stones seemed such a huge number i thought I would never be able to get back to a normal size again.

So, for 5 years I ate, I enjoyed, I also felt my back, my knees, me energy levels and my ovaries deteriorate.

When I reached my rock bottom 18st8lbs I decided to do something about it. That was a month or so ago.

So what am I doing now? I am eating less! Less everything!

Less cream, less chocolate, less pasta, less puddings, just less.

I am eating the same things I like, but less.

Am I starving myself? No.

Am I craving anything? No.

Am I feeling unhappy? No!

And it is all because I am not depriving myself of anything, but I just made a conscious decision that I want to be healthy, have more energy and maybe even another baby, which I refuse to have at this weight as I would not put it’s life at risk.

So I am just proud to announce that since may 11th (day one of my new being healthy decision) I now weigh at 17st 5lbs! I went from size 22 to size 20! I want to be a healthy 14 again.

It may not seem much bout I have never managed to stick to any diet before, it always starts well, I lose a bit and then it all goes down the drain. this time is the longest I stuck with it and it is now paying off.

I thought I would share this as I feel so good and maybe other of you who have made or are about to make the decision to be healthy to go for it!

I am loving every second of my new healthy me!

I still love my food, but I won’t let it rule my life anymore!

That’s it for today, lovelies!

xx

I will beat you!

Stress

Well it seems like it’s all catching up with me.

Sunday night (after the “incident”) I had a banging headache which did not leave me alone until Monday evening. That night I went into hospital and spent the night, my blood pressure shot up and the doctor advised me to STOP.

So that is what I am trying to do this week. Unwind. Calm down. De-stress. Relax. Chill out!

I am away from the computer as much as I can and I hope I will be back soon.

It was very scary as I never had a high blood pressure, it is actually known to be quite low, so well, time to look after myself and the old analogue life.

See you in a few days,

Love

C

On being anxious all the time

Ok, people ask: why do you say you are so anxious, you seem always in control.

In control???

In a way, I am just like a duck, over the surface I am serene and calm, look underneath and you’ll see me paddling as if my life depended on that!

My head never ever stops.  I am always wondering about this or that, when I sleep I always have bad dreams, but in spite of all this I am a very optimistic person.  I am just pre-occupied! I try to be prepared for things before they happen, so when they come it’s not so bad.

But I am fully aware they may never come, so I count it as luck.

See, now my current worry is: will I make my child anxious for being like this? After all for him I have to be the fortress, the one who never cries, the strong, guiding, make it all better one. And I am, or I try to be. But so many times I heard people say that kids can sense your state of mind. I wonder if he can tell that every time I see a bruise on his leg for running around and climbing on the playground I start counting the time it will take to fade away, as I read the other day that if a bruise is there for too long it could mean a blood disorder. I hate having these thoughts, but in my mind I am just being aware, cautious!

And what about that “Law of attraction” everybody was talking about a couple of years ago??? Am I really going to attract that to us if I have all these thoughts? OMG IAM GOING TO GET EVERYONE KILLED just because I worry about a bruise on my son’s leg or a mole on hubby’s back? What the heck huh?  Crazy or what?? Should I seek medical help or am I just a mum, who worries about normal things?

I remember after September 11 when we moved to London I used to worry myself sick about hubby going on the tube to work . This was waaay before 07/07, I remember one day  having a full on panic attack in Victoria Station before I was  assured that a terrorist attack would NEVER happen in the tube. Well, maybe it was all my fault, right, I attracted that if you are going  to believe on “The Secret” theory.  At the time it seemed like an unreasonable thought, irrational fear, but now we all know it was not so irrational, right?

Nowadays, most of my worries are about being around for long enugh to see The Beanie give me grandkids…but still, I worry, boy, I worry.

The C word

Everybody seem to have an opinion about Jade Goody and how she is handling her Cancer.

Of course I also have an opinion, and being as anxious as I am I try so hard to fight these kind of thoughts: what would I do if I found out I had it??

Obviously I am not in the same position as Jade is, but honestly, what mother in the world can blame her??? How can people blame her for trying to do as much as she can to ensure her kids have a future of no financial worries? Would I, given the same opportunity of making thousands of pounds for my kids future would say NO to that, knowing I could be dead in weeks? Come on!

Some would say she should be at home with her kids, enjoying the last minutes she has with them,rather than “going out to be photographed”, pleeease!  They will take her photos anyway, so why not get paid and give her kids some financial security for when she is not around? She is not doing it for herself, she is doing it FOR THE CHILDREN!

I see Jade as a very real person. I admire her courage. She has never been scared to say what she thinks, which, has caused her trouble, and now, watching what she is going through I realise more and more she is just human. She cries, she panics, she has a laugh, she gets scared, whines, and then she picks herself up and gets on with it. It saddens me so much to see someone so young going through this.

Of course, there are lots of people going through the same, but I just have never met all of them. A couple of years ago, one of my best childhood friends, who had just had a baby was diagnosed with a Non-Hodgkins tumour, which she managed to beat, and this year another acquaintance who had just given birth found out she has stage 4 (there is no stage 5) cancer in her abdominal cavity -very similar to Jade’s- which has now spread. She found out about this cancer while she was having an emergency C-section for the birth of her second child and did not even had the opportunity of breastfeeding her, she went straight into chemo- she is only 29.

I think about her, about my friend, about Jade most of the time now.  Every now and again I catch myself having these thoughts of how grateful I am to have a healthy body (although very abused). How much we take for granted, just doing simple things we do…I have had a lump in my throat since I heard about these stories. And then I make vows of being healthier, of being more active, less whingeing, more grateful, less of a worrier…but the truth is I am just paralised, and too scared to go and have a smear test, just like many women are. Why?

I was just watching Oprah this morning (Sky +) and they were talking about the subject (hence the post) and this bloke has really touched me with the story of his life. And once again, I vowed to be more like him, and less like me, here goes the video that touched me and I hope I can spend my life a bit more like he spent his.

What a night!

Good morning to the ones who are having a nice one!  Mine is ok, although I had an awful sleepless night just watching The Beanie gasp for air every 5 minutes.

The Beanie was diagnosed with Asthma at 4 years old, and been on inhalers since then. But what we just heard (and I warned doctors for months) is that now he has developed sleep apnea, which makes him stop breathing for a few seconds in his sleep and suddenly gasp for air. In rare cases, it can be fatal.

It is pretty scary to witness, I can count up to 20 sometimes until he starts again, and to be quite honest, being my anxious self I don’t normally wait and count the seconds, I just give him a little shake on his chest and he starts breathing again. This has made us scared (Me *and* hubby) and obviously VERY sleep deprived (that is in MY case, as hubby normally is too busy snoring to notice).

Sometimes, when I need a good night’s sleep, the answer is putting him in our bed, so I don’t have to run across the corridor in the middle of the night whenever the baby monitor is silent!

Amazingly, The Beanie does not seem to be too fazed about the side effects and the sleep disruption at the moment. He has no problem concentrating, is doing brilliantly at school and is a calm, sweet child. But I do wonder about it in the long run.

Meanwhile, I am just anxiously waiting for the letter on the post telling me when I get to see a Paediatrician to find out more about it.